Stabilizing the Situation: How to Get Through Your Day

Whether you’ve just recently discovered your spouse’s affair or you’ve been living with it for some time, you may nonetheless feel like your world is crashing down around you. You may feel bewildered or numb, or like you’re in a haze. You may feel like circumstances are out of your control. Yet there is one vital, all-important variable that youcan control in all of this, starting right now. That isyourself. And from this moment on, you are going to take control of yourself and this situation in a smart, sensible way. Start by taking conscious steps to care for yourself. Know that your emotional and physical reactions are normal—awful to feel, but normal—and if you need professional help to cope with those, get it. (By the way, it’s okay to request a therapist of the age / sex you are comfortable with. If you’re a 40-year old woman who doesn’t want to be counseled by a 24-year-old male intern, that’s your choice.) Also care for yourself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep or at least down-time. Taking care of yourself physically can help you take care of yourself emotionally and mentally. Take a long bath or take a getaway with a trusted friend for a few days. Just let the time pass and “be” for a while. Easy to say? Of course. But there is no rush. There is just you, caring for you.

A few other things to mention here, at this early point. Once the initial shock wears off,strive for reasonable normality. Try not to disrupt your routine, especially where your kids are involved. Try to keep daily life predictable for them. That can help ground you, too. I urge you to talk to your spouse about your shared commitment to getting through this time without making life miserable for your kids. I recommend that you and your spouse agree to not involve the children in the emotional drama of this infidelity any more than is necessary. I know you are angry and hurt, but don’t tell your kids, especially young kids, how awful their other parent is or what their other parent did (at least not impulsively or without forethought).

At the same time, make sure your spouse knows not to go to the kids and reveal what they’ve done, since some unfaithful spouses will try to use their kids as go-betweens. They might say, “Can you tell your mom that I’m really sorry” or even, “I want things to get better, but your dad won’t talk to me….maybe he’ll listen to you.” Some unfaithful spouses, even those who are uncooperative with their partner, may feel compelled to “confess” to their children. You may wish to remind your spouse that this situation is between the two of you, not your kids. You may have to tell your kids their parents are going through an adult problem; however, you also need to reassure them that you both love them, and that they will be okay.

In fact, thisshared interest—to keep things reasonably normal for your children—can be one of the first steps toward collaboration and rebuilding trust. You probably don’t agree on much right now, but this is one area where you canfind common ground. It’s a start. And here’s a pro tip—when I