Chapter 1Preparing to Assert Yourself
Have you ever had a conversation like this:
YOU: Please stop talking to me that way. You’re bothering me.
THEM: No, I’ll talk to you any way I want!
Or this:
YOU: You know there’s a rule (or law) against doing that. You shouldn’t do that.
THEM: Don’t be so fussy. No one is going to know and no one is going to stop me.
Or this:
YOU: Hey! Leave her alone! You’re being rude and inconsiderate!
THEM: Mind your own business. I’ll treat her however I please.
The world has changed. The rules have changed. And many people ignore the limits that have been set on them—in families, at work, in communities, and anywhere. That’s why we wrote this book. Some people ignore the rules and don’t pay attention to the limits that others set on their behavior (we think of them ashigh-conflict people or HCPs)unless a meaningful consequence will follow if they violate the limit. For this reason, we developed the simple technique we callSLIC Solutions™ for Conflict: Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2½ steps. Let’s look at some typical situations where this method might be useful.
Everyday Life Dilemmas
Pam doesn’t know what to do. A co-worker with more seniority makes her dread going in each day. Kathleen criticizes the smallest thing Pam does, uses an arrogant tone of voice, and publicly blames Pam for Kathleen’s own mistakes. Should Pam try to set limits on Kathleen’s behavior? What kind of consequences could she impose? Will they even work? Or should she try to avoid Kathleen as much as possible and just suck it up when she can’t? Or should she just quit?
Reggie’s teenage daughter is starting to talk back to him and bad-mouth him to her siblings. He grew up in a home that was too strict, so he wants to be a more flexible dad, but even he has limits. He wants to set limits on her offensive behavior, but he doesn’t know ifshe is really being inappropriate for a modern adolescent or ifhe is being out of line in today’s world. He doesn’t want to push her away like he feels his parents did with him.
Gerald’s wife is increasingly relying on pills from different doctors to get through the day, even though her work doesn’t seem stressful to him. She staggers around the house and falls asleep at embarrassing times. She blames him for being away so much and unsupportive when he’s at home. When he confronts her about it, she tells him he’s part of the problem and that she needs meds to help her cope. He’s not sure what to do. He wants her to stop depending on the medications and stop blaming him. He also doesn’t want anyone else to know about this problem.
Jennifer’s ex-husband owes her a $10,000 equalizing payment from their divorce settlement agreement. It’s been two years since he was supposed to pay it and she still hasn’t seen any of it. He keeps saying he’ll get around to it, but he doesn’t take any action to make it happen. He has a higher income and can afford it, but he just won’t. Should she go to court? Or will that just make him angrier and more resistant? Will the court even enforce its own orders?
Pam, Reggie, Gerald, and Jennifer are four of the thirty examples in this book of people facing situations in which setting limits and imposing consequences would be appropriate. But which limits and what consequences? And how do they get up the nerve to follow through? This book will help with all of this.
The Problem
On the one hand, more people than ever before can do almost anything in today’s world as an individual. Overall, this is a good thing. There is more individual freedom, flexibility, travel, health, opportunities, and creativity. But on the other hand, there is less social responsibility and some people have become much more aggressive toward others. Many people overstep and violate other people’s rights and boundaries. This can actually limit some people’s choices, health, and opportunities. Maybe you have experienc
