2.
Family
The butterfly was the gift.
That’s how I saw it. Her way of being there for us. Reassuring us. Settling us. At first, I wondered if I was the only one who noticed it, fluttering around the altar of the church in Monaleen. On 25 November 2022 – our wedding day.
The moment the priest mentioned Mam, the butterfly stirred behind him. And to me, instantly, that was her. Just letting us know that she was with us. Even the priest momentarily stopped, realising that everyone’s attention had been drawn to this tiny, winged creature. A butterfly in November. How often would you see that?
Maybe people will read this and think it silly. But I have faith, and if you ask me to explain that faith, that moment is where I’d go. Ten months after her passing, experiencing that profound sense of Mam’s presence on our wedding day.
She was with us too for Meg’s IVF treatment: three weeks of injections, and both of us acutely aware of a butterfly in the house. Then the moment Meg’s pregnancy was confirmed, the butterfly was gone.
Maybe believing in an afterlife is the only real comfort available to us after losing somebody we love. And I believe we’ll all see Mam again. I certainly hope so.
She had this deep equanimity about her. A calmness you never saw crumble. In many ways, I suspect that it fooled us into believing she was somehow unbreakable. The cancer coming back clearly wasn’t good news, but you never got that sense from Mam. Even as she became increasingly unwell and experienced a few fainting episodes, I think we always believed that she would pull through.
I know I certainly did.
Call it naivety, but when someone is so strong, it’s easy to underappreciate the seriousness of their predicament. Mam never really spoke about her cancer and certainly never betrayed any unease about the possibility of it being terminal. So it was all too easy to be fooled into believing that her condition was less serious than happened to be the case.
Even when she went into the Oncology Unit in St Joseph’s University Hospital that Christmas of 2021, you couldn’t detect even the tiniest sliver of self-pity. In hindsight, it was clear that she was very sick, and I don’t doubt she probably knew herself that she was dying. But that knowledge could never be allowed weigh on us.
That was always her mentality:my problem, not theirs.
By then, she couldn’t really eat as the cancer had moved to her stomach and, heavily medicated, she was sleeping a lot. But right up to the last few days, she could be extremely lucid too. It would almost fool you into believing that she was coming around and getting better.
Maybe on some level we all understood what was happening. I know for certain that my sister Deirdre did, but she’d only tell us as much as Mam would want us to know. And Mam was adamant that she didn’t want to go to a hospice, because to her, t