Introduction

Shame: Everyone Has It

I have always been terrified of public speaking. I can trace it back toeighth-grade graduation, when I froze on stage in front of my classmates and an audience of hundreds. Standing in front of the mic unable to utter a word, the expectant and anxious waiting, and an uncomfortable and heavy silence—these are what I fear anytime I am about to take the podium. This fear of being publicly embarrassed, of my weakness being unmasked in front of an audience who sees each excruciating moment, is one manifestation of shame in my life. At its core, shame is fear of weakness, failure, or unworthiness being unveiled for all to see, or fear that at least one other person will notice that which we want to hide. Shame is like a chameleon, easily blending into the surrounding environment so that it can’t directly be seen.

Shame commonly masquerades as embarrassment, or the nagging sense of “not quite good enough.” It shows up when you attempt a new venture, or when you’re unsure of your place in a group. Unchecked, it can become an impenetrable barrier between you and others. It is not a topic of conversation at a party, although it is an unwelcome guest in every gathering. You may not know if you suffer under shame, because too often it’s been categorized as guilt (which is its close cousin). It is not the exclusive domain of victims of abuse, yet shame is found in every story of suffering at the hands of another. Shame can linger when you have sinned against another in ways that feel unforgiveable. Shame is complicated.

Perhaps it might help to consider a few scenarios where shame begins to show itself.

Monique and Tony walk into a party full of laughing,well-dressed people, and Monique inwardly freezes. She is back in the halls of her high school, where she was always on the outside of such groups. She cannot bear to replay the story of rejection, and she wants to turn around and leave before they are noticed. It would be safer to go home.

Blake confesses his sexual addiction to Emily, and tears run down her cheeks. How could he? Emily berates him with all that she is feeling in that moment. Then she turns cold for weeks, barely speaking to him while cocooned within her books, journals, and work. She is alone, and so is he.

Christie’s voice is hoarse from screaming at her toddlers. She glances at the windows, thankful they’re closed and the neighbors can’t hear the angry tirade that would discredit her as the kind, good Christian they think she is. She feels furious most of all with herself for losing it, and she does not know if she can find her way back to grace this time. Surely there are limits to God’s forgiveness of an angry mom?

Sam’sred-rimmed eyes betray the late night