: Jacinta Nandi
: WTF Berlin Expatsplaining the German Capital
: Satyr Verlag
: 9783947106837
: 1
: CHF 10.80
:
: Gegenwartsliteratur (ab 1945)
: English
: 216
: Wasserzeichen
: PC/MAC/eReader/Tablet
: ePUB
It's been a squillion years since Jacinta Nandi arrived in the German capital - and like Jesus, she has suffered, so you don't have to. In this collection of short texts, she'll tell you everything you need to know about stingy male 'feminists', oppressive church taxes, unnecessary Anmeldungen - and how to make the perfect German Abendbrot (exhausted cucumbers are key). Why are Berlin house numbers so confusing? Why does everyone love dogs and hate babies? And do you really need to learn German to survive in this city? Join Jacinta on her expatsplaining journey through the German Hauptstadt filled with ketamine and glitter, judgy grannies and scary Beamte, and, of course, Currywurst and pain. A travel guide is nice to have - but this book is essential if you want to survive in Berlin! German Version: Survivaltipps für Berlin: Jacinta Nandi lebt seit 20 Jahren in Berlin. Satyrs erstes englischsprachiges Buch versammelt ihre Erkenntnisse über Kirchensteuer, deutsches Abendbrot, rassistische Beamte und den Geiz männlicher Feministen. - Dieses Buch ist der unverzichtbare humoristische Überlebensratgeber für alle Expats und Berlin-Besucher*innen.

Jacinta Nandi was born 1980 in east London and moved to Berlin aged 20. She writes in German and English and has published four books in German, most recently »Die schlechteste Hausfrau der Welt«. She writes and blogs for »Exberliner«, Berlin's English-language magazine. She is the mother of two boys and lives with them in sleepy Lichtenrade. German Version: Jacinta Nandi wurde 1980 in Ost-London geboren. Sie lebt seit 2000 in Berlin, schreibt auf Deutsch und auf Englisch. Auf Deutsch hat sie für die »taz« von 2013 bis 2014 als »Die gute Ausländerin« geschrieben, 2013 das Buch »Fish& Chips und Spreewaldgurken« mit Jakob Hein veröffentlicht und 2015 ihren autobiografischen Roman »Nichts gegen blasen« (Ullstein). Im Herbst 2020 erschien ihr Buch »Die schlechteste Hausfrau der Welt« in der Edition Nautilus. Auf Englisch schreibt sie den »WTF Berlin«-Blog für das Magazin »Exberliner«. Jacinta Nandi hat zwei Kinder, und ihr Lieblingsessen ist immer noch pie and chips.

Chapter One:
A is for …


Abendbrot: Abendmeans evening and Brotmeans bread, but if you put them together and look up the word Abendbrotin the dictionary, you might get a bit confused. They’ll try to tell you it’s dinner – or supper. But in British English, at least, it’s more like tea – AbendESSENis dinner whereas AbendBROTis a light evening meal, normally cold, made up of bread and cheese and salami.

And when I say light, I really mean LIGHT. There are anorexic fruit flies heavier than German Abendbrot.It is, quite literally, the Perfect German Housewife’s best kept secret.

Abendbrot: The German Housewife’s Best-Kept Secret


I am a bad housewife in more ways than I can count: I hate hoovering, I can’t mop, I don’t even know how to iron. When I iron something it looks more creased afterwards and has these funny black marks which I don’t think are supposed to be there. I once stacked the dishwasher so badly that my ex-boyfriend cried actual tears of actual frustration and true grief. And I think if Marie Kondo watched me folding laundry it would possibly break her.

But when it comes to GermanAbendbrot, I am the Perfect German Housewife. I have that shitdown.

So, I’m babysitting my lovely friend Florence’s kid when my equally lovely little friend Lola comes over. Lockdown has been lifted, but I still want her to sit on the balcony. I know she’s been partying loads. Lola is so tiny and perfect – I swear, she is the only person on the planet who actually lost weight over lockdown – and now she looks so perfect and petite and tiny, like a tiny miniature porcelain chimney sweep.

“They change the rules every day,” she says mournfully, placing two bottles of Sekt on the table. “It’s cold on your balcony, let’s just open the balcony doors, then your kitchen is kind of part of the balcony. Oh, I am so confused about the Corona stuff. Are you confused? It’s so confusing!”

“It is confusing, isn’t it,” I say.

“It’s exhausting and confusing!” she says. “I don’t even know what is allowed or not anymore! Are we allowed to shake strangers’ hands? Have sex with our old pre-Corona fuck buddies? Smoke crack together if we disinfect the pipe first? What about ketamine? Is ketamine illegal now?”

“I think, even in non-Corona times, ketamine is not strictly speaking legal. But yeah, it’s all so confusing! I think they need to make up some simple rules and let us know what they are and then we can stick to them. I’m not even sure if I should have let you come over when I’m babysitting. Listen, I’m gonna make the kids some Abendbrot, you open the Sekt, okay?”

Abendbrot is probably the greatest trick the Perfect German Housewife ever play