SCENE I

MADAME PERNELLE and FLIPOTTE, her servant; ELMIRE, MARIANE, CLEANTE,

DAMIS, DORINE

MADAME PERNELLE

Come, come, Flipotte, and let me get away.

ELMIRE

You hurry so, I hardly can attend you.

MADAME PERNELLE

Then don’t, my daughter-in law. Stay where you are.

I can dispense with your polite attentions.

ELMIRE

We’re only paying what is due you, mother.

Why must you go away in such a hurry?

MADAME PERNELLE

Because I can’t endure your carryings-on,

And no one takes the slightest pains to please me.

I leave your house, I tell you, quite disgusted;

You do the opposite of my instructions;

You’ve no respect for anything; each one

Must have his say; it’s perfect pandemonium.

DORINE

If …

MADAME PERNELLE

You’re a servant wench, my girl, and much

Too full of gab, and too impertinent

And free with your advice on all occasions.

DAMIS

But …

MADAME PERNELLE

You’re a fool, my boy—f, o, o, l

Just spells your name. Let grandma tell you that

I’ve said a hundred times to my poor son,

Your father, that you’d never come to good

Or give him anything but plague and torment.

MARIANE

I think …

MADAME PERNELLE

O dearie me, his little sister!

You’re all demureness, butter wouldn’t melt

In your mouth, one would think to look at you.

Still waters, though, they say … you know the proverb;

And I don’t like your doings on the sly.

ELMIRE

But, mother …

MADAME PERNELLE

Daughter, by your leave, your conduct

In everything is altogether wrong;

You ought to set a good example for ‘em;

Their dear departed mother did much better.

You are extravagant; and it offends me,

To see you always decked out like a princess.

A woman who would please her husband’s eyes

Alone, wants no such wealth of fineries.

CLEANTE

But, madam, after all …

MADAME PERNELLE

Sir, as for you,

The lady’s brother, I esteem you highly,

Love and respect you. But, sir, all the same,

If I were in my son’s, her husband’s, place,

I’d urgently entreat you not to come

Within our doors. You preach a way of living

That decent people cannot tolerate.

I’m rather frank with you; but that’s my way—

I don’t mince matters, when I mean a thing.

DAMIS

Mr. Tartuffe, your friend, is mighty lucky …

MADAME PERNELLE

He is a holy man, and must be heeded;

I can’t endure, with any show of patience,

To hear a scatterbrains like you attack him.

DAMIS

What! Shall I let a bigot criticaster

Come and usurp a tyrant’s power here?

And shall we never dare amuse ourselves

Till this fine gentleman deigns to consent?

DORINE

If we must hark to him, and heed his maxims,

There’s not a thing we do but what’s a crime;

He censures everything, this zealous carper.

MADAME PERNELLE

And all he censures is well censured, too.

He wants to guide you on the way to heaven;

My son should train you all to love him well.

DAMIS

No, madam, look you, nothing—not my father

Nor anything—can make me tolerate him.

I should belie my feelings not to say so.

His actions rouse my wrath at every turn;

And I foresee that there must come of it

An open rupture with this sneaking scoundrel.

DORINE

Besides, ‘tis downright scandalous to see

This unknown upstart master of the house—

This vagabond, who hadn’t, when he came,

Shoes to his feet, or clothing worth six farthings,

And who so far forgets his place, as now

To censure everything, and rule the roost!

MADAME PERNELLE

Eh! Mercy sakes alive! Things would go better

If all were governed by his pious orders.

DORINE

He passes for a saint in your opinion.

In fact, he’s nothing but a hypocrite.

MADAME PERNELLE

Just listen to her tongue!

DORINE

I wouldn’t trust him,

Nor yet his Lawrence, without bonds and surety.

MADAME PERNELLE

I don’t know what the servant’s character

May be; but I can guarantee the master

A holy man. You hate him and reject him

Because he tells home truths to all of you.

‘Tis sin alone that moves his heart to anger,

And heaven’s interest is his only motive.

DORINE

Of course. But why, especially of late,

Can he let nobody come near the house?

Is heaven offended at a civil call

That he should make so great a fuss about it?

I’ll tell you, if you like, just what I think;

(Pointing to Elmire)

Upon my word, he’s jealous of our mistress.

MADAME PERNELLE

You hold your tongue, and think what you are saying.

He’s not alone in censuring these visits;

The turmoil that attends your sort of people,

Their carriages forever at the door,

And all their noisy footmen, flocked together,

Annoy the neighbourhood, and raise a scandal.

I’d gladly think there’s nothing really wrong;

But it makes talk; and that’s not as it should be.

CLEANTE

Eh! madam, can you hope to keep folk’s tongues

From wagging? It would be a grievous thing

If, for the fear of idle talk about us,

We had to sacrifice our friends. No, no;

Even if we could bring ourselves to do it,

Think you that everyone would then be silenced?

Against backbiting there is no defence

So let us try to live in innocence,

To silly tattle pay no heed at all,

And leave the gossips free to vent their gall.

DORINE

Our neighbour Daphne, and her little husband,

Must be the ones who slander us, I’m thinking.

Those whose own conduct’s most ridiculous,

Are always quickest to speak ill of others;

They never fail to seize at once upon

The slightest hint of any love affair,

And spread the news of it with glee, and give it

The character they’d have the world believe in.

By others’ actions, painted in their colours,

They hope to justify their own; they think,

In the false hope of some resemblance, either

To make their own intrigues seem innocent,

Or else to make their neighbours...