Reflection
I started on “The Daughters Project” in September 2014. After spending the weekend with my daughter, tapping into her knowledge of conducting a qualitative study and going over the required forms, I returned home. I reviewed the notes I took and put them down for a while. I was working on another project, a novel, and decided I needed to finish my commitment to that process. I think, deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t ready to write about my mom. My daughter suggested I take time to write down my feelings as I journeyed through this difficult territory. I knew she was right. Throughout the ensuing year, I moved forward with my novel –Another Way. However, in my quiet time when I chose to reflect upon my mom, I began sorting and sifting through my thoughts about her as well as my plans for “The Daughters Project.”
Another year passed and much transpired. More betrayals. More pain. More healing. I trusted what my inner voice was telling me—it was time to move ahead.
* * *
It is a warm summer day, August 2015. It is my intention to interview daughters, who like me have been betrayed by their mothers, and who have worked hard on their wellness. I want to find out how they were betrayed and how it affected them, but more importantly, I want to learn about their recovering journeys. I wonder if their paths will be similar to mine. I wonder what we will have in common, if anything. I want to know the differences too and how those aspects of our lives affected each of us. I wonder if there will be comfort in knowing each of us is not alone, not having a real mother to guide our way. I want to know what each of us has done with our lives and why. I want to know how we are as mothers, if we chose to be one. There is much to explore. There is much to say, even though it is hard to do so.
I know I need to talk about myself first. If I expect other daughters to disclose their narratives, I too must be willing to do so. I want to. I’ve worked on my betrayals regarding my mom for a long while. I have written about them indirectly in some of my writings; however, I have not fully disclosed my entire journey. I am ready now. I need to start at the beginning.
Setting
Unlike the daughters I will be interviewing, I am not recording myself. However, I am going to respond to the same questions which I have provided to them. And unlike most of my clinical writings, my narrative will be an informal piece. I want it to be reflective of my voice and of the emotions I carry with it.
While writing at my computer, I am in one of my favorite rooms in my house—my office. It is decorated in warm colors with framed covers of my published books and my degrees. Photos of my family are all around me, neatly displayed on walls and positioned strategically on book shelves. Through the large window to my left is a beautiful display of nature. The dark soil is home to numerous varieties of sturdy pines