Years ago, as a Jesuit novice, I was taught that the goal of Jesuit spirituality was to become a contemplative in action. Even then I understood that contemplatives were special people, people who had achieved a very close union with God. I learned that there were two types of contemplatives: ones who sought a close union with God primarily by fidelity to personal prayer, others who sought close union with God primarily by fidelity to serving God’s people. The religious orders up to the time of St. Ignatius, the founder of the Society of Jesus, had sought to help their members become contemplatives through prayer. St. Ignatius had a new vision: He hoped that his members would achieve an equally high union with God, not primarily through prayer, but through service to God’s people. The goal he presented to his followers was to become contemplatives in action. As a follower of St. Ignatius this then was also my goal, and early in the novitiate I resolved to become one of these.

For many years I had a very inadequate understanding of how to become a contemplative in action. As I look back now, I can see that I was confused on three fundamental attitudes regarding Christian spirituality. First, I was confused most especially on the relationship between my personal efforts toward holiness and the role of God’s grace. I saw becoming a contemplative in action as being totally in my own hands, completely dependent on my efforts. I did not understand the role of God in these efforts. I saw God merely as the rewarder of whatever good I accomplished by my efforts: The harder I tried, the more I pleased God, and consequently the more grace I earned.

Second, this misunderstanding of the role of God in my spiritual life was compounded by a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature. I viewed human nature as basically untrustworthy if not actually evil due to original sin. Logically, then, I had to direct my efforts toward controlling or repressing the evil tendencies that were part of this nature. I felt my growth in union with God would occur to the extent that I denied the basic thrust of my deepest self.

Third, I had a very inadequate understanding of the method to become more closely united with God. I felt that growing in union with God demanded that I spend large amounts of time in explicitly spiritual activities such as liturgy, devotions, examination of conscience, and personal prayer. I had no adequate understanding of the importance of service to others as a means of growing in union. In short, during my early years as a Jesuit, becoming a contemplative in action implied striving as hard as I could by my own effort