: Megan L. Hunter
: Bait& Switch Saving Your Relationship After Incredible Romance Turns Into Exhausting Chaos
: Unhooked Books
: 9781936268719
: 1
: CHF 9.40
:
: Partnerschaft, Sexualität
: English
: 168
: DRM
: PC/MAC/eReader/Tablet
: ePUB
The most common complaint about high-conflict relationships is the extraordinary salesmanship prior to the marriage or moving in together, and the switch to chaos almost immediately after. This book is an inside look at 'his' thoughts and 'her' thoughts; the 'Complicated Operating System' that drives the most difficult of difficult people; their conscious and unconscious reactions and interactions, and help for those who stay in the relationship. If your fairytale romance suddenly transformed into relationship chaos and you are bewildered with how the person of your dreams has morphed into someone you barely recognize-displaying hostile, unpredictable behavior that leaves you exhausted and confused--this book will hep make sense of it. If your relationship has deteriorated into one high-conflict scenario after another, and you're trying to decide whether you should dig deep and try to make it work or cut your losses and exit safely, this straight-talking book has the answers you need. In Bait& Switch, relationship expert Megan Hunter provides an inside view of complicated relationships and the 'Complicated Operating System'. She offers practical strategies to help real couples deal with the behavior and ensuing conflict. Hunter explores the interactions, conscious and unconscious, that occur in a bait and switch relationship-both during the convincing 'sales pitch' given before the partners commit to each other through marriage or moving into together and then immediately after, when the switch has been thrown and distressing behaviors are swiftly revealed-and recommends strategies for changing these dynamics. You'll learn about the brain science behind this behavior, take tests to determine exactly what kind of relationship you're dealing with, and develop new skills to help you minimize and contain the conflict in your relationship. In short, this book offers hope to stop the swirling chaos, whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave.

CHAPTER 1

Trajectory from Incredible Romance to Exhausting Chaos

Author note: Gender is used interchangeably throughout this book.

If only I’d collected a dollar from every client who, in an exhausted voice, starts the conversation with (and usually they’re either whispering or loudly ranting), “You have absolutely no idea what a nightmare I’m living. Other people may have some pretty awful relationship war stories, but, believe me, you’ve never heard anything like this. I’ve looked the devil in the eye and barely survived. I think my partner has a chemical imbalance—probably bipolar.”

There is no point in telling them I’ve heard the same thing countless times from countless people. Really, we could just skip the entire story part and go straight to the “what to do” part, but we don’t. Instead, I give them my full attention and listen to their account of the relationship terrorist (their words) to whom they have given their heart. For some, it’s the first time they’ve dared utter their story out loud. For others, it is the first time anyone has listened and understood—a validating experience that brings relief. The stories all have similar elements and patterns.

Exhausting Chaos Stories

“She threatens, manipulates, and controls me, and I can’t tell you how many times she’s thrown her wedding ring out the window. When I’m with her, we can have the most amazing time together, but as soon as I go to work, hang out with my friends, stop by my parents’ house, have an important board meeting—anything—she has an emergency and does everything in her power to get me to come home so I can fix it and make her feel better. Sometimes it works and then we go back to a somewhat calm norm. I may even get a tearful apology. Many times it doesn’t work and we end up going in endless circles until I want to scream or head straight out the door. It almost seems intentional—to the point of sabotage—but it’s hard to imagine anyone intentionally behaving this way.”

“It’s a rare day when we do not have an argument. Some days are simply exhausting. Others are rage and chaos. I’m nearing my breaking point. I could give her a million dollars, buy her an estate on the French Riviera complete with a Maserati in the garage, and give her 100% of my time, but she’d still be unhappy, complain about it, and blame me for ruining her life. She says I don’t include her in my life; she doesn’t feel accepted by me or my family and friends; and that I make her feel bad. Most conversations start with the phrase ‘you’ and finish with the list of ways I’ve screwed up and made her miserable.”

“When we argue, it’s almost as if every word I say is sliced in half by her verbal sword. No matter how much I try to explain my point of view or try to get her to understand something seemingly logical, I lose. Even walking away to help calm the situation seems to amp it up instead of wind it down.”

“At first