In the elegant office of the psychologist I had chosen from theYellow Pages, I wrote my answers to the questions. When I read, “What is your goal for your counseling sessions?” my eyes filled with tears and pain pierced my heart. Without hesitation I wrote, “Relief from pain.” I had reached my limit, and I was exhausted from the effort. I was ready to leave the pain, ready to learn how to live my life differently. What I hoped was that the psychologist would give me a few affirmations that, like a magic wand, would make all my difficulties go away. I wanted an easy answer and quick fix.
Like me, most people prefer to live life painlessly. Something hurts us, and we bounce back quickly, like a four-year-old saying, “That didn't hurt.” Or we wail for a moment and then look for a Band-aid?, preferably one stamped with cartoon characters to help us cover a wound with make-believe fun. Like me, some people eventually feel a pain that no Band-aid? can cover. Then they decide to leave the pain. Unlike me, some people can keep up this denial for a lifetime, for the sake of appearance or personal expectation. In the great Greek tragedyOedipus Rex by Sophocles, the chorus ends the play with these words, “Therefore, while our eyes wait to see the destined final day, we must call no one happy who is of mortal race, until he hath crossed life's border, free from pain!” Thus, happiness and pain seem detached opposites, either/or extremes, as if one person cannot experience both.
We want to be happy. In fact, in the U.S. the pursuit of happiness is part of our DNA.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and thepursuit of happiness“ (Declaration of Independence).
We go to great lengths to make ourselves and other people happy, including engaging in all manner of dysfunctional and addictive behaviors—flattery, deception, manipulation, abuse of alcohol or drugs, immersion in fantasy such as television, accumulation of material goods—anything that makes us look or feel good and thus numbs the pain we truly feel.
In Sophocles‘ words, “The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities,” so we blame other people for our misfortunes because it takes the burden off of us and makes us feel better. Some of us continue to do this for a lifetime and thus deceive ourselves into believing we are free from pain. However, it is this very pride that prolongs our suffering. Nothing else.Hubris, the Greek word for pride, was most often the tragic flaw that brought heroes down. And it is pride that continues to bring us down. Every time we tell the story of how someone
