: Bill Eddy LCSW Esq.
: So, What's Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds
: Unhooked Books
: 9781936268634
: 1
: CHF 7.80
:
: Management
: English
: 166
: DRM
: PC/MAC/eReader/Tablet
: ePUB
Blame abounds! People confront us at work, the store, and online. Nerves get on edge. We get stuck blaming others for anything that goes wrong. With high-conflict people increasing in society, the twenty-four-hour news cycle, and social media, we hear constantly about the worst behavior. The temptation is to react and blame. So, What's Your Proposal? shifts the conversation from the past and blame to the future and problem-solving. It teaches a simple technique that helps the reader stay calm and confident, while keeping the focus on solving problems. The reader will earn respect-many times in just thirty seconds. This book lays out a simple, proven method to shift the conversation from the past and blame, to the future and problem solving. The method is extremely effective; we have seen it work over and over again-many times in just 30 seconds. What's more, almost anyone can use it-it just takes practice, and this book offer lots of examples to help you get started.

CHAPTER ONE

Will Emma and Jake Ever Agree?

“So, what’s your proposal?” I asked Emma. She was complaining about her husband, Jake, whom she was divorcing. I was their divorce mediator. I could see Jake simmering on the other side of my round mediation table. I didn’t know when he would start yelling at her again.

“What do you mean?” she asked, irritated at my interruption.

Jake wanted a 50-50 co-parenting schedule and she had been criticizing his parenting skills.

“You don’t know anything about their schoolwork! You’ve never attended a parent-teacher conference! You work late all the time!” she said, then proceeded to go on and on about all of his weaknesses as a parent. Were they true? Or not? That wasn’t for me to decide.

I learned a long time ago that telling someone like Emma to stop criticizing her husband or to stop talking about the past would just trigger more defensiveness. She would think that I was taking Jake’s side and I’m supposed to be neutral as a mediator. So, without criticizing her at all, I just asked:“So, what’s your proposal?” in an effort to shift her from blaming to problem solving.

The situation was tense. I also knew that Jake was about to angrily defend himself. People in his shoes in a divorce mediation typically—and angrily—say something like:“That’s not true! I know a lot about their homework! I attended a parent-teacher conference a year or two ago! I don’t come home from work late every night—I can change my schedule for the nights I have the children!”

And I knew that after he defended himself, she would predictably defend her position, saying,“Tell me one thing about what C.J. and Mac are learning at school this week! Yeah, you attended a parent-teacher conferenceonce in five years! If you could change your schedule so easily, why didn’t you do it when we lived together and I was taking care of the kids 90 percent of the time!”

Letting Emma criticize Jake or letting him defend himself would be an endless cycle—and it will not bring them any closer to resolving their conflict.

“What I mean,” I said,“is that it’s best to make a proposal whenever you have a concern or criticism of the other parent. Remember, when we started the mediation, I said that we would be focusing on the future and what you want rather than rehashing the past and what you don’t want. So, how would you turn your concerns into a proposal?”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot,” Emma said with a frown, but she quickly calmed down and sat up in her seat.“I suppose that my proposal would be that Jake have the children every other weekend and that I have the